Keeping It With You

Guest Post By Melinda von Reis-Iglesias

I have the good fortune of working in an environment focused on healing: physically, mentally and spiritually.


I have excitedly chosen to make this a mirror for my personal life as well.

As of late, there have been many moments of self - (and just plain) - realization.

You know what I am talking about… the “a-ha” moments; moments where your mind and body go into the state of pure bliss because, once again, you have “figured it out!”

These moments come by way of a conversation, argument, or other experience. In the space following the realization I know that I would never make that same mistake again - I know that I have learned something that deeply humbles my ego.

For the first day or maybe even few days, that “lesson” is with me... often it does not stay. How do I keep it with me? How do I avoid stumbling back into that same pattern?

How do i keep moving forward, lesson learned?

This past weekend I got into a discussion - and when I say discussion I am being diplomatic - this past weekend I got into an argument, with my partner. An argument where I didn’t want to hear much, was defensive and needed an attitude adjustment. We were discussing some serious areas in our relationship, areas where I have had various “a-ha” moments. Areas where i am “keeping it with me”…and of course, the dreaded areas where I am not.

Maybe it is my Taurean nature, but it seems old habits die hard. Specifically, being more careful with my words and what comes out of my mouth, being more understanding and not wanting things my way all the time... and mostly just working on really hearing my partner. Being a good listener is easy, actually hearing what the person is saying, is a lot more challenging. I have had countless "a-ha" moments in these same areas, but let me tell you, I risk more and more every time I don't "keep them with me".

When I say “keep it with me” I am talking about a specific neurological process that actually occurs in our brains. What I experience when my emotional + logical brains connect. For example, you are discussing a situation where you did wrong... you feel remorse about what you have done and assure the person you hurt that you are sorry. You can't believe you've done this, and you will never do it again.

...remember what your teachers used to say, ”take the ‘knowledge you learned in the classroom’ and apply it!”

The way you learn isn't that first "a-ha" moment, but rather, when you are face to face with scenarios that look just like the ones before them. The scenarios that have yielded the same end results over and over again. The difference? You make a conscious decision to change that path.

You then create a new path or synapse in your brain - for this new way of thinking, behaving, or being and it gets stronger every time you choose it.

The act of creating the new synapse actually causes the one that came before it to dissolve; severing the tie to the old behavior. Powerful image, huh?

I am choosing to look at the practice of “keeping it with you” as sort of a game. Not a game in the sense that the outcome does not really matter, or that I don’t take it seriously. Looking at this practice as a game means I really look at it for what it is - teaching my brain new things - and reinforcing them - that way I am not caught up in more than I need to be.

It's beautiful..
We all have this auspicious ability in all of us... ultimately, we will be the ones healing ourselves.

Does Self Love Make You Squirm?

The inquiry of what you love about you is shaking things up. Its making people squirm, me included. I have asked a lot of people the question this last week and it has revealed some cultural tendencies we carry around self worth, success and self love. I have heard responses like, "isn't that narcissistic?" or "that's a hard one" on occasion. Immediately and every time, I witness a physical reaction; fidgeting, eye twitching, emotions coming up through the voice.  Watching myself ask others the question, sometimes I feel a little uneasy and self conscious thinking, "do I seem like a wimp for asking this?".

The question, what do you love about you hits right up against its' opposite, What do you not love about you?

Asking and answering what do you love about you is healing and freeing physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Watch how you and others react when you ask and answer the question. It really amazes me how quickly the question melts me into my Heart. Keep asking yourself, what do you love about you?

What you love about you is about is social change. We are refining culture to value self love. As I said in the previous post, this is not the next new age fad of love thy self. With a light heart, I am serious that in order to deal with the crises of human rights, clean drinking water, renewable resources and so on, we need to start at home with self love. A friend, mentor and extraordinary healer, David Elliott says this about self love:

 "Self love connects you to everyone and everything. Once you love yourself you can effectively move out into the world and love others...For love to exist in the world it has to happen inside you first, then it can propagate 360 degrees around you"

Loving you takes some effort. It takes work. I've worked with thousands of people on this and the ones who change, keep at it daily. After some time, the change takes root and the old values fall away.


In general, the old values of success are based on material accumulation and physical sacrifice. From this antiquated notion of success we will never be able to solve our socio-environmental crisis without changing our values of success. Notice, I didn’t include economic in the previous statement. I’m confidant our economy will shift. The question is, can we sustain it?

To take it further – because we fundamentally do not value ourselves, do not practice loving ourselves, and self love is not a cultural value, we can’t truly love and respect each other, the planet and its resources.

This is not a black and white issue. Of course some of us do love ourselves to various degrees. What I see in the world is that most people don’t or have very little self love. The primary value around success is more like the following:

If you are not dog-ass tired by the time you finish work – then you didn’t work hard and you are not a success.

If you don’t have a big house and a fancy car then you didn’t make it.

If you don’t have your act 100 percent together then work harder.

If your health isn’t suffering a little then you are not sacrificing enough.

A strong work ethic is important, don’t get me wrong. I’m not promoting abandoning your real world responsibilities. The trend I’m seeing in my clinic in Eugene and in the media is that people motivate by beating themselves up, self flagellation – perhaps a relic from the Judeo-Christian inheritance. I am seeing people from every social economic stratum in major health crisis because they’ve beaten themselves up so hard with their over-sized commitments that their bodies are surpassing the tipping point of what can be physiologically withstood. I am seeing this trend in nearly every age range.

Self-love may seem simple and straightforward. It's not. 

Self-love does not happen automatically, we have to bring awareness to it; breathe it into our cells. Our innate default is to glaze over our achievements or just as useless, gloat in them.

Humility is not ignoring your goodness. It is deeply valuing it.

When we beat ourselves up and perpetuate the cycle of giving without receiving, the cycle of giving and receiving is incomplete. If we push hard enough, we reach a point of depletion, where we have to take a break or quit. This is not sustainable. At some point the body stops us or we become resentful of someone or some thing. The objectification of resentment is a smoke screen that hides resentment of self and the pain of not honoring your Heart. This all stems from lack of self love. 10 things you love about you. Love Cultural Revolution starts with you. Let's go.

more Love… Luke